Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Hello, I'm feeling a bit down tonight....

I went to a passover meal with my brother and sister in law last night and I was grateful to them for inviting me. The people who put it on seem to be nice people and the meal was nice as well. It was not an official Jewish passover meal -- it was Messianic Jewish (Jews who believe that Jesus/Yeshua was/is the true messiah) so of course, some of the readings were different than it would be at a regular Jewish Passover meal.
I met a girl there who said she could help me to learn Hebrew so I was very interested in that. She called tonight and we spoke for a long while. The problem is -- I have a tendency to be gullible, share too much and lose myself when I talk to people with strong opinions on things. And she definately has a strong point of view. I was hoping to just learn Hebrew and if it led me to feeling able to embrace the religion of my brother and these people then that would be great .... but it turned out that this lady wanted me to agree to a faith in this BEFORE she would teach me Hebrew. If she had said this early on in the conversation I think I would have had an easier time just saying "No thank you" but by the time she brought this up we were very deep into the conversation and I had already sort of lost myself at that point. (If this makes any sense)
I think part of my problem is-- I keep trying to be open-minded about things cuz I think it is a good way to be == but then I end up being SOOOO open-minded that I lose touch with my OWN inner beliefs, and start getting upset that I don't believe as they do, and scared that if their beliefs are the REAL ones -- then I will go to HELL.
I know how I WANT God to be -- but I have also heard many times that God is how HE is and He doesn't change His personality just to fit with how *I* may want Him to be. I like to believe that there are MANY paths to the one GOD and that he loves us all and that NO ONE will go to HELL when we die. But of course, many religions do NOT preach this -- and one of the MAIN tenants of Christianity is that they HAVE to believe that their God is THE one and ONLY TRUE God and all other religions have the wrong idea. They also have to believe in the Devil and Hell and Adam and Eve, a Virgin birth, Jesus dying and resurecting, etc etc etc. I have trouble with all of these.
Anyway --- I have prayed to the Christian God and ASKED Him to change my heart and make me Christian if that is what he wishes me to be. I love and admire my brother and so if he says I am going to Hell if I don't give myself to Yeshua, then it is something I take very seriously. But unfortunately my heart isn't in it. I have trouble believing in Adam and Eve, and a Virgin birth, and I don't WANT to believe in a DEVIL really existing.
The thing is, IF my brother (and other strong Christians) are RIGHT -- and if I DON'T choose the RIGHT God, BEFORE I die, then I will spend ETERNITY seperate from Him, fully conscious FOREVER burning and in pain. :-( (and I have never been a great fan of heat or pain)
Many people tell me to follow my own heart and not care what my brother believes. I DO know that we have to think for ourselves and come to our own conclusions. But my brother is a very logical, loving, smart, and sincere person. He has read the Bible cover to cover at least seven times and he has studied The Word deeply for years. I find that I can't just disregard what he has learned from his studies of Christianity and the Bible. He has been a strong Christian for many years so he has definately found something there. I just can't figure out WHY I can't get myself to have the same faith. Has "the Devil" completely won over my heart? Not that I am saying I like the Devil -- I am talking about my "Evil" (according to these Christians I am talking to) beliefs. :-(
Well anyway --- there is more to all of this but this may give an indication why I am feeling down tonight/today.


Mykyl said...

I do not understand how an omnipotent being could care less if someone believed in him/her at all - that's something a human would do.

FD Spark said...

Hugs, I understand it is very hard being around people who have all the answers, especially if you care for them.
I have for longest time felt like how you're describing about myself after dealing with people but over time some switch within me began to turn people off or block them like that in my life.
I have had few sneak in types like few friends and while I care for them I have gotten pretty good at checking out mentally.
I know how hard it is though when there isn't many options to connect with others offline and few who seem to want to be all there befriending and helpful often have religious conversion or spiritual control agendas going on in background.
It like some of those people if you really really look they don't care about you, they care about being right and controlling the minds, souls of everyone they get their claws on with the dogma and truly believe they are doing the right thing.
People like that I don't see them as followers of God but followers of Dogma and Ego.