Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"In my life..."

Today I knew I needed to blog --- for some reason my emotions are really on the surface today - though I am not sure why. While driving to my "depression class" - I found myself feeling such a strong ache of sadness within me -- missing George Harrison and missing my friend, Karen (who was also a Beatles fan and who commited suicide Dec 2005). I don't know why missing people hits me harder on some days than others. This is not any sort of anniversary date that I can think of. It just hit me soooo deeply today. I kept crying on the way to the "class" ...... and cried during the class (altho I didn't share that I was missing George).

The regular class leader is on vacation this week so we had a new lady taking over just for today. We each shared a bit of what was going on for us and I was the last one to share. It was a bit embarrassing because the others were all fairly mild, whereas I shared about how we are all going to die eventually and how it is inevitable that we will either get some sort of disease or die suddenly, and of course we also get to "look forward" to more of our friends and family dying off too. (Great mood I was in -- eh? LOLOL ... Fitting for a depression class, I suppose LOL)

At first the new facilitator cut me off about my negative thinking and how I should not think that way, and that irritated me because we are supposed to say what we are feeling and I am not going to be a "Pollyanna" about things. I said I am just being realistic here -- we all are going to die - as soon as we're born we are destined to die, it is inevitable. The older we all get the more chance we have at losing friends, loved ones, our health, even our memories. I am not saying that I want to spend whatever time any of us have left, being depressed -- quite the opposite really -- I want to spend my time productively and as happy or as at peace as possible .... but I am also a realist -- and pretending that I, my family, and friends are going to live forever just from the power of positive thinking is a bunch of Bull (imo)

Anyway, when the "class leader" decided to listen a bit instead of cutting me off -- it helped, and I think the other people got some good out of being able to be honest too. I know it helped me to feel a bit better to be able to cry a bit and to share some of these thoughts that I have built up inside of me -- to an outside ear. I live alone with three cats, and I guess that being away from local, live human contact can take its toll.

I am VERY grateful to have the people that I can talk to on here and in SL -- but at times I guess one still needs an occassional human right there in the same room with you -- even if it if only for a couple of hours.

I guess this cold is affecting my emotional self as well as affecting my physical self. (And it being the beginning of summer = my least favourite season of the year -- and heading into the first of what will prob be many heatwaves, is affecting me as well. [And that makes me miss Karen greatly, because unlike most people, she felt like I do about sunny days-- prefering the rain and finding sunny days to be depressing.... I miss having her here on the planet where I could at least feel that ONE other person feels the same as I do about the sun.... or having too much of it. GOD, I miss you, Karen! I really wish you hadn't succeeded in killing yourself, and leaving us all here without you]. :-(

Please don't mind the tone of this post -- I am sure I will return to my usual WONDERFULLY cheerful self (HA HA HA HA HA) soon. ;-)

3 comments:

FD Spark said...

Hugs.
Yes eventually we all die or something changes and we find empty places in things where we had attachments.

Mykyl said...

Maybe it's time to make it rain in Faeria again - some of the flowers are a bit wilted...

AuroraSkye said...

Ooooo yeah!!!! Rain sounds VERY nice Mykyl!!! :-)

Portland Heatwave starts tomorrow -- UGH UGH UGH UGH --- I already can't wait for it to be over and it hasn't even started yet!

LOL