Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hi there -- I went to a depression class today...

Hi there all (or whomever reads this blog) I went to a depression class/group today in RL. It deals with ways we all can fight depression and improve our lives. It is an 8 week course that repeats. It changes because different people go through it -- each bringing their own dimension to things. Today's topic was "Boundaries." That is a very good topic for a depression group because often people get depressed if they are unable to keep healthy boundaries between them and others. Often depressed people desire so much to please others that they don't say "no" when asked to do things -- even when it really would be a better idea to be able to say "no." They end up getting walked all over and that can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, anxiety, depression, chaos etc etc. These behaviours often start in early childhood. I know that when I grew up == I was NOT allowed to say "NO" to my mom especially. I also realized, at a very young age, that if I tried to "make mom happy" (an impossible task in reality cuz we can't "MAKE" anyone happy or sad etc) I could avoid her wrath (which seemed to come up often). (My mom was a rageaholic) While that helped me get along in our household growing up, this behaviour has not particularly helped me in later, adult years. At least, being aware of it, I think I have been able to tone down my "people pleasing" behaviours a bit - but I still find that I feel a lot of guilt if I want to do something that others don't want me to do.

For example -=- it is my birthday this coming Saturday and my family has kindly said that they would take me wherever I want for dinner (on Friday). I chose a very nice fish place called McGraths where we went last year. But my mom, and my sis in law have both expressed wanting to go elsewhere. I am sticking to McGrath's so far== but I DO feel guilty about it. But heck, it is my birthday and I never go there on my own .... so I hope that we all can go there and have fun. :-) (And, hopefully, I can try to deal with the guilt I feel about not chosing a restaurant that mom, and Maureen might prefer. :-)

How 'bout you all? Do you find you often say "Yes" to something when you really should respect your own boundaries and say "no"? Did you grow up in a family where you had to "people please", or you saw your parents "people please" so those were the behaviours you learned? Have you been able to learn how to keep better boundaries now that you're a bit older and more experienced? Are there people in your lives that are still trying to take too much from you - or take advantage of you in some way? Any suggestions for us all on how to handle that?

(Just some thoughts -- I hope I get some responses -- this blog is usually pretty dead over here LOLOL)

Be well everyone! :-)

6 comments:

Mykyl said...

I guess I have to leave a comment because I can't seem to say "NO!" hehe... yes - I do have that problem, and it has caused me more trouble and anguish than I realized - but then when I finally did stand up and say "no" it got me in even more trouble. Sighs...

FD Spark said...

While I was reading this for some reason I kept wanting shout out don't ask me where I want to go if you don't really want what I decide.
For some reason I have been there and after a while I just stopped
asking or having the ablity to voice what I need or wanted, became shut down and numb.
Or there is fear that I find out later that person felt guilty or maniplated by me and some how because they did something they didn't want to some how I am responsible because I didn't read their mind or invisible hints.
I don't know often it seems those
around me have all their limits,
boundaries and rules yet some
how it just doesn't apply when it
come to me in the sense what I am
needing or wanting in the big
picture or what allowances
I may have given or behaviors
that I allow then to do repetitively
in name of love and acceptance isn't
mutual sometimes in ways I wish it would be....if that makes sense.
Often find myself feeling angry,
resentful or just burned out when
I realize the person who not going to get the treatment I had wished.
Yet I am not sure how to correct this.
I guess long run maybe there is something I am missing that has made certain events so in my life
that I don't know how to undo.
Any way on happier note you got some gifts left for you:)
Happy Birthday!
U am not sure when I will get in but it will be some time this evening.
It is almost 9 am I haven't
slept yet.

AuroraSkye said...

Hi there Mykyl and FD ---

You two have been such wonderful and loyal readers and commenters of my blog. Thank you SOOOOOO much! It means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me!!! Hugsss!

That is awful that when you DID stand up and say "No' it got you in worse trouble, Mykyl. Yeah -- I have had that happen too. In fact, in the Depression class/group it was even mentioned that as we try to establish healthier boundaries -- those around us may try to sabatage those -- and get angry at us for trying to change because they are used to us the way we were. The whole thing can sure be a hard process, huh?

FD, I am sorry to hear that you have stopped asking and having the ability to voice what you need/want. I know that feeling too but I sure hope that you (and I) can get brave and find our voices again cuz your voice is worthwhile and you deserve healthy boundaries and your voice!

Thank you SOOOO much for your Birthday gifts -- so sweet of you! :-) So you have been up for a long time again? I hope you are getting a lot of refreshing sleep. After staying up 28 hours or so yesterday - I slept 12 hours last night and this morning so I guess I am ready for another 24 hours up! LOLOLOL (I think some of us have a different time clock than the usual 24 hours). lol

HUGS to my dear friends -- to those who comment and to those who read but decide not to comment.
:-)

Jaxie said...

Happy Birthday, AuroraSkye!

Malicious Intent said...

I can sooooo realate to the depression and guilt thing and always saysing yes and getting walked on thing. Fought that demon for years and still to this day I catch myself now and then doing it and giving myself a slap on the wrist. It's good you stuck by your guns and went where YOU wanted to go for YOUR birthday after being offered to go where YOU wanted.

Good for you! The guilt does go away and the more you stand up for yourself the less you will have!

Great job!

Malicious Intent said...

Oh. P.S.
Happy Birthday!